Esho Funi: The Oneness of Self and Environment

(image by Chris Resko)

For some reason, although it was pure hell, I harken back to my 20th year a lot and how, no matter how dismal the scenery, I was constantly tracking the terrain of my psyche, reiterating or rejecting last week's decisions and platitudes, always uneasy, always in pain, and always, at least, fighting tooth and nail to know who I really am.

Maybe I've uncovered some of who I really am over the years- I believe I have- and the angst of young adulthood wanes more and more every day. And maybe it is better to act and act and act and leave the self-analysis to once a year- after all, just because I turn back upon my life with an analytical eye doesn't mean that I see clearly.

All I know is that I feel a strengthening sense of the importance my thoughts and the larger sense of reality they are base upon, minute to minute, play in shaping my days and, therefore, my life. And I am starting to understand what 'making a cause' is really about- and how going to South Africa for a month is about so much more than going to South Africa for a month- among many other things, it is about valuing my life and proving it by following my deepest dreams and goals. It is not so much about the goal itself, but making the decision to attain the goal, seeing it as if it had already happened.

And this is what I realized on Tuesday when, after seven months of temping in a corporate office that I could somewhat justify day to day, but all the while knowing that the lack of appreciation and value but on me and my coworkers was a reflection of my own lack of self-worth- complete esho funi (a buddhist concept that reveals that life and its environment are essentially one)- I knew that I had to make the cause to open my life up to new things- to not be afraid.

We all know what it is like to have dreams and goals that most people don't value or understand. It can be hard to have people you care about question your decisions but I feel a sense of the great value I can bring into my life by excercising a good-natured stubborn conviction in my own truth- and letting others have their fears and doubts (I am thinking of coworkers who feel the same as me but are afraid to leave and might project this on me).

I guess I should explain that I have been running the whole proofreading/copyediting department at an $11 billion a year corporation in Center City Philadelphia. Since the ful-time proofreader left for sick leave 3 months ago, I have trained the new temp, spearheaded all the projects and worked lots of overtime. I was always availbable, always flexible, and almost always agreeable. I had all the responsibilities of a full-timer and yet they never bothered to bring me on as an employee- why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? It was and is insulting and every day that I allowed myself to be used like this I was slandering my life. I spoke to them about being a full-time employee and my manager likes me and wants to bring me on, but the VP of this department cuts corners wherever she can and I am certainly not the only person here who is underpaid. It is a toxic environment except for the comaraderie my coworkers and I have created. We support each other. But EVERY single person here (20 people) actively wants to leave. And yet they stay because of fear. I cannot be one of them.

And I have to say, that it isn't really as bold a move as it may sound. I am a temp and so it is natural to move on and my agency is helping me put together a copywriting portfolio, so I'll have money coming in either through copyediting or copywriting.

And I am staying here until the end of the month so I can buy my ticket to South Africa and pay for next month's rent.

But, those things are not the important things (I am starting to believe that if I determine something and stay determined, nothing can stop it coming into my life.) I am not worried. I trust my life.